People never ask you if you still care. They just tell you - stories, anecdotes, milestones achieved. They don't ask if how you felt about this person to begin with, if you loved them or not, if you even cared about them or not. They hear you used to know them and they assume - they assume you want to know all about them.

I never really cared. I don't want to hear the stories. Ask next time.

Something has shifted. A week ago I couldn't visualize a day-to-day life I both wanted to live and thought possible. Today, I have this image in my head - not just of me being happy with my life, but actual actions I'd be doing: getting a degree in graphics, working at PSF, going to therapy a lot. I know, I know, I know I want to do graphics...what's holding me back from working on a degree is that (1) I don't feel like I can fully appreciate and soak up classes I'd take right and (2) that I know, once I had the degree, I don't have the self-confidence to feel capable at any sort of job involving graphics. And also I have realized that part of what holds me to Portland right now is PSF. I love working there. Ideally, I'll become saner at some point in the next year or two and be able to get my old job back, or just keep doing what I'm doing now and have another job or work more hours...I need to be able to visualize being able to support myself.

I am so depressed. I keep almost-crying. There is something shut down inside of me. But I have been drawing these past two days more than I have in the past 6 months. I have been creating. I want to learn about <div> tags. I want to take a graphics or computer class next semester. It's funny that even though the ache there is somehow more interest to live.

I have woken up more depressed than I've been in years. I feel like the more I tell myself it's safe to be present, the more I lose my coping mechanisms. What ever happened to being so distant from life that I could get through the day?

This morning I came back from my 8am therapy appointment and went back to sleep. I woke up around 10 but my head wouldn't wake up so I decided to skip my 11am class (I never do this). I then proceeded to have two hours of no-rest sleep with the most vivid images, one after another. The one I remember the best was looking across the plaza of a museum my mum and I went to see in San Cristobal, Chiapas, and there was this very black-skinned man and he looked up at me and his eyes were golden. I reached up and cut my throat horizantally and liquid gold poured out. It turned into yellow tempera paint. There was no fear. A little big of awe when I felt the gold pour out of my throat. I was in first person.

Latest inner-monologue gem: "This job would be done better by a decoated bobbypinnned newt." (I was working with a bunch of crates of hardware and was getting hot and my hair kept falling in my face.) Newt Taricha Decoatus Bobbypinnae.

It has long been believed that newts are not inherently social animals, but recent developments in one newt's life suggest that they might not just be social creatures, but enjoy their social interactions, the Newtian Gazette reported Wednesday.

Do you feel different from the rest of the world? Do you know anyone who doesn't? Do you think some people really are "different"?

What aren't you that you thought you were?

Hello all!

We current Winchers are looking for housemates (yes, again). Our lease is up at the end of April, but we are hoping to extend it to the end of May. Two of us are definitely moving out, and two others may as well (though if all four go - and maybe also if three go - the remaining two will probably be looking for a new place altogether). There are also some possibilities of people staying until the end of the summer, or moving in then, or other such things. We will have most of these details settled by the end of February.

The Winch is a five bedroom (we're using a large closet as a sixth) house at 546 NE Cook St in Portland, Oregon (97212). Rent is $1500 a month, plus utilities (water, electric, wi fi, phone) which are $90-$300 a month. (This comes out to $250 plus utilities a month per person with six folks living here.)  We are about two miles from downtown Portland, two blocks from two different bus stops (#6 and #33), a mile and a half from the red and blue MAX lines, and half a block from Irving Park. We live in a friendly neighborhood - not sketchy - and our landlord is...well...he could be called negligent or really chill. We have a backyard that is nice if you keep the blackberries down, a car port, a front porch, a small back porch, two bathrooms, a kitchen, two living rooms, and a messy basement.

If you're interested, please get in touch with any of us (Adrienne, Anna, eli*, Emily, Newt, and Rachel) - we'd love to talk about the possibilities!

Every single one in 2009 has gone wrong. I hate them.