self-care

Things that make me feel better:
- being deliberate about getting ready for bed: undressing, brushing my hair
- forgiving myself now and then, choosing not to fight
- going downtown just to go downtown
- going to a coffeeshop specifically to drink chai and journal
- being deliberate about my transportation
- not wearing a helmet
- playing the same songs or verses over and over on Cecilia [my guitar]
- saying no to talking to people who call
- showering
- cleaning my room
- going to bed in an already-made bed
- earrings
- listing my accomplishments
- listing people who I could call
- making lists of things to worry about later
- going over my budget
- respecting my own secrets
- listening to '90s music
- choosing not to feel guilty

In other news:
- my mom answered my question: I had some words in Venezuela, so I started talking when I was one or one and a half
- I <3 cloth pads with a passion
- I don't dread, loathe and stress of my period like I used to and that is so relieving
- my still-nameless bike is so light!
- I was really pleased with tonight's house meeting
- biscuits work just fine with oil instead of butter
- I will feel wonderful if the folks I talked to Friday decide to buy all four mannequins they put on hold
- I responded to a Craigslist ad about a mirror last night, they answered me this morning, I biked the six miles there, I carried the mirror (twoxthree feet) and walked my bike to the nearest busstop, transferred busses, and made it home. I win.
- anxiety plays a bigger role in my life than I previously thought.
- this, this is normal; this is sane; this is balanced. I'm holding onto this for what it is - not a precursor or the aftermath of crashing or getting hypomanic. I want to remember this for the moment it is so I remember that there are times when I am Alive, Bright, Excited and Content; when I am Sane, Comfortable, Stable. There is this.
- I didn't feel lonely for the second half of the day and am really pleased by that. I am looking forward to seeing * but am not actively missing them. (And, no, I don't think the asterisk actually keeps their identity secret). I'm excited for them to come back because I have questions to ask them. I love having people in my life who I stack up questions for when we're apart.
- when I was feeling exceedingly down and bitchy, several people on the bus talked to me. I find it strange that I appeared receptive to conversation when I felt so closed to it.
- gender isn't something that I think about everyday, so I appreciate the reminders that life gives me sometimes. All the warehouse workers are male, all the frontend/sales workers are female; the guy who was talking to me at the busstop asked me if my five roommates were girls or boys (I sidestepped the question). Reminders of other oppression, too: I realized today how my reactions at choir two weeks ago were totally agist. Ack.
- Anna was helping me with accountability as far as getting into bed at 9:30. We talked and changed the time to 10:00 because I wanted to make biscuits and everyone wanted to eat them. It's almost 11. I need to remember how much I love lying in my bed reading so I'll go to bed early enough to do that.
- I'm brainstorming designs for my sister's tatoo!
- me and Jess (that'd be the sister) were talking tonight about what it means to live in the moment vs. living for something in the future. Why do I feel scared to just live - why do I feel like I need to have something to look forward to? I think a lot of it has to do with needing something to justify being aloof to my current situation - I don't need to make friends here, I don't need to resolve that issues, I don't need to be accountable because I'm leaving soon, this isn't where I actually want to be etc. But, actually? This is where I want to be, these are the people I want to be with, this is the job I want to have, this is the live I was aiming for. This terrifies me.